What do the aspects of attraction, love and communication entail? - Chapter 11

The sexual standard for many people is that there should be a close connection between two people before engaging in sex. Therefore, the social -and emotional component of love should be discussed.

How does attraction work?

There has been extensive research on attraction and there are many forms of interpersonal attraction that will be discussed.

• The girl next door refers to the geographical -and time restrictions on attraction. People in the same class or workplace tend to be more attracted to the other due to the mere-exposure effect, repeated exposure to a stimulus causes someone to like the stimulus more. Thus, the chance of falling in love with the girl next door is bigger than a random person you never meet.
• Birds of a feather refers to the fact that we find people attractive that have the same age, gender, social -and economical status. This similarity in characteristics is called homophily. The reason for this is that we receive positive reinforcement by agreement, anticipate on positive interaction and relationship success. It turns out that agreement of attitudes does not predict a quality relationship, but similarity in attachment does.
• Physical attractiveness refers to the choice of physically attractive partners. It is one of the most important factors in sexual appeal. However, attractiveness is dependent of the perception and evaluation of one’s intelligence and the own feelings of personal worth.
• Interpersonal marketplace refers to the fact people choose partners with a similar “social worth”, this is called the matching phenomenon. Men base their social worth on success whereas women base it on beauty.
• Real life attraction refers to the real-life outcomes on researched phenomena of attraction. It is very difficult to manipulate similarity and draw reliable conclusions from obtained data. Important is perceived similarity which is the extent in which someone believes his partner is alike on important characteristics. Similarity and the matching principle seem to apply in everyday life. 
• Online attraction is an efficient way to look for a partner. Impatience or career or time constraints might lead a person to the online market. The downside is that the actual person can differ from the person he claims to be online. Every website uses a different matching strategy, some use biological indicators such as testosterone, dopamine and oxytocin. Others use traits and attributes and match according to similarity.

How can people’s preferences be explained?

People select their partners based on similarity in characteristics, race and education. Also, both men and women prefer physically attractive people. There are two theories on where these preferences come from. One is the reinforcement theory, the other is sociobiology.

• Reinforcement theory means that we tend to like people who give us rewards and dislike people who give us punishment. Byrne’s law of attraction means that our attraction to another person depends on the number of reinforcements relative to the reinforcements plus punishments. People that are like us provide the base for smooth and rewarding interaction. This theory is derived from the implicit egotism perspective: we are attracted to similar persons because they active a positive view about the self.
• Sociobiology looks at attraction from an evolutionary perspective. The success in producing offspring determines the attributes people look for in a partner. Someone who is more attractive is likely to be healthier. This is especially important in societies with a high prevalence of pathogens. Fluctuating asymmetry is the asymmetry of bilateral features that are similar in the population. It is said to reflect developmental instability and therefore health. People with these asymmetries are considered less attractive.

What is intimacy?

Intimate relationships are important for two reasons: one is the desire to have children and two is mutual trust and recognition by the other person. People have a need for interpersonal support to cope with stress successfully. There are several descriptions of intimacy:

1. Some features of intimacy are honesty, self-disclosure, warmth, caring, openness, mutual commitment, dropping defences and surrendering control.
2. The description of emotional intimacy is the verbal sharing and mutual self-disclosure, but also declarations of loving, liking and affection.

The first describes intimacy in terms of characteristics, the second in terms of a relationship. The definition of intimacy in a relationship is: the level of positive, cognitive, affective closeness and commitment that is experienced between two partners. Telling things about yourself to a partner is important in any relationship and is called self-disclosure. It leads to reciprocity in the partner. It generates trust end equity and there is a positive correlation between the amount of self-disclosure and the satisfaction with the relationship. Furthermore, self-disclosure of experiences, attitudes increases vulnerability, and this could be a reason for reducing self-disclosure. However, a decrease in self-disclosure is associated with sexual dissatisfaction.

What are theories of love?

In our society, there is a connection between love and sex, which is a continuum. There are several theories of love and passionate love. The triangular theory, the attachment theory, the love story theory, the passionate love theory and the biology of love are explained.

The triangular theory of love

The triangular theory of love includes three categories: intimacy, the emotional component of love and describes the feelings of closeness  to another person. The second is passion which is the motivational aspect of love. The third category is decision for commitment, which is the cognitive component. There is a short-term aspect which is the decision to love the other person and a long-term component, which is the commitment that makes the relationship endure.  This triangle theory is used to show how people can feel matched or mismatched to each other. If their levels of intimacy, passion, decision/commitment align, it is a perfect match. The Sternberg Triangular Love Scale (STLS) can be used to measure the components, and evidence has been found to support his theory.

The attachment theory of love

The attachment theory of love states that early attachment during childhood shapes future relationships. There are three attachment styles in relationships among adults:

• Secure lovers are comfortable with intimacy and do not fear abandonment.
• Fearful or avoidant lovers are uncomfortable with intimacy and it is difficult for them to trust a partner.
• Preoccupied or anxious-ambivalent lovers desperately want to be close to a partner, but often think the partner does not reciprocate the feelings. They are insecure in the relationship.

The quality of the relationship with parents or caregivers determines the relationship style. Conflict in a relationship can be caused by attachment style and own personal history. It affects the way people interact.

Love as a story

This theory states that interpretation of the interaction between people in important, to make sense of what happens in a relationship, people rely on love stories. A love story is about what love should be like. It involves several characters, a theme and a plot. Many of them come from culture, literature and television.

Passionate and companionate love

Passionate love is the state of intense longing for connection with another person and the severe psychological arousal. It exists from three components:

1. Emotional, sexual attraction and psychological arousal.
2. Cognitive, idealization and preoccupation with the other person.
3. Behavioural, maintaining physical closeness and taking care of the other person.

Companionate love is the feeling of deep commitment and attachment to the other person in an intimate relationship. Passionate love is often the first stage in the relationship, followed by companionate love.

The biology of love

The complex phenomena of love are caused by the neural system and chemical bodily reactions. For example, dopamine is related to mating and increases the likelihood of bonding as a pair. Also, prolactin and oxytocin are produced when a passionate lover is present. Furthermore, oxytocin contributes to a long-term relationship as it is stimulated by touch, sexual touching and orgasm. Levels with interpersonal trust correlate to levels of oxytocin.

What types of love-research are known?

• Measuring of passionate love was done by Hatfield and Sprecher (1986) with their questionnaire. They found that scores on the passionate love scale (PLS) were positively correlated with commitment and satisfaction of the relationship.
• The two-component theory of love states that passionate love can happen when two conditions exist simultaneously: first there should be psychological arousal and second the label of “love” should be attached to the sensations that are experienced (Berscheid & Walster, 1974). The researchers describe the emotion of love, an emotion also consists of a psychological state and the label the person assigns to it. In some cases, the labelling of arousal can be mistaken, the misattribution of arousal is the misattribution of arousal as sexual arousal.
• Cross-cultural research has been studied with three important subjects. First the cultural values and meaning of love is researched and differs in individualistic and collectivist cultures. Another cultural dimension where love differs is independence-interdependence and the third is communicating-sharing. This influences mate selection. Love and marriage.

How does interpersonal communication work?

Interpersonal communication is an important aspect of relationships. There is a connection between sex, communication and the relationship. Effective communication is key in sustaining a good relationship and sex life.

Communication in relationships

Distressed couples often experience communication deficits. Marriage counsellors are trying to teach couples to communicate more effectively. There are negative and positive messages, criticism refers to the attach on the other person’s personal values and character. Contempt is insulting or abusing another person intentionally. Defensiveness is when someone denies responsibility and responds in a self-protective way. Finally, withdrawal is when a partner’s response is to walk away, turn on the tv or is just silent.

Effective communication

An effective communicator is concerned with the intent of a message, which is what you mean. Impact is also important and is what the other person thinks you mean. Lastly, an effective communicator is one who matches impact and intent. There are several skills that can be applied to ensure effective communication:

• Good messages use I-language and therefore focus on the self, and not on the partner. It is less likely the partner will respond defensive. Mind reading should be avoided, it is when someone is making assumptions about the other’s thoughts. Also important is documenting where one gives specific examples of the issue.
• Levelling and editing. Levelling is stating thoughts in a clear and simple manner to the partner. Communication should be clear and should state what is expected of the other. Editing is not saying things that are deliberately hurtful to the partner. Communication should be considerate and polite.
• Listening is actively trying to understand what the other wants to convey. Also, giving feedback is helpful in letting someone that he or she is being listened to. Paraphrasing is rephrasing what the partner said in your own words.
• Nonverbal communication is the tone of voice, facial expression and touching of the other person. This is especially important in discussions about sex.
• Validating is telling your partner that you can understand why he or she thinks a certain way.
• Drawing your partner out means testing an assumption by asking your partner it in a direct question.
• Accentuate the positive is important to recognise the strengths in the relationship, even when arguing. There is a magic ratio of positive and negative communication in sex. There should be five times as much positive communication compared to negative communication.

How do people fight fair with their partner?

Rules can be set between partners in order to fight fair. Brenton (1972) and Creighton (1992) proposed some rules that can help couples fight fair:

1. Avoid sarcastic or insulting remarks about sexual performance.
2. Stick to the issue and avoid brining up previous relationship partners.
3. Do not make psychologising statements.
4. To not threaten with childish threats, this evokes similar communication in a partner.
5. Never bring children into the argument.
6. Do not dump events of six months ago on a partner.
7. Do not bring up negative issues, when there is no opportunity to discuss them.
8. Focus on solutions instead of blaming.

How can people successfully check out sexual signals?

Sexual communication, especially nonverbal sexual communication is often very ambiguous. Direct verbal assessment of sex is not common in our society. Ambiguous messages can lead to hurt, rejection and even anger. An effort should be done to clear up effective sexual communication. Ambiguous sexual signals should be drawn out with a question, not by making assumptions.

Is relationship education helpful?

There are many marital programs developed, especially in the United States to promote effective communication between married couples. Most of these programs are psycho-educational and not therapeutic. They focus on increasing communication -and problem-solving skills. According to a meta-analysis, the programs seem somewhat effective. Especially for couples with one partner in the military, this relationship education can be very helpful.