How to make new friends abroad when you are 50+?

• When immigrating to another country people talk about must-sees and must-dos, shops, fairs, how to find a place to live. In every WhatsApp or Facebook group you will read about touristy things to do, but also furniture you would like to buy second hand, visa conditions, where you can find the best restaurants and take-outs and what all the thoughts and feelings are in your new country of residency. But making friends? Hardly anyone talks about that part.
• In a way it is a difficult topic, do you really need friends to feel less alone? Do you actually feel lonely? Have you ever felt lonely during you stay, when was that? Why do you feel lonely? You are not likely to share this topic easily with others, when that is the case.
• Be reminded that honestly almost everyone will experience loneliness, no matter what age you are, during their immigration at some point. I certainly did. Some days the feeling is strong, and other days not at all.

Why is it different to stay abroad for a longer time when you are in your fifties?

• I first emigrated in my thirties, now I am in my fifties. It is really different. And people have asked me why it is so different. At the same time it is the same, you will face the same challenges. 
• Now, I know better what I want and what I don’t want. I have a certain amount of energy. I don’t want to use my energy to things that I don’t like to do (anymore).
• In Curaçao (or anywhere else, when you ask me) one of the first questions of other people is: How long will you stay? In other words (confirmed by others), when you don’t stay long, I will not put any energy in you hence I don’t really want to talk to you, since you will leave soon. When you won’t come back or stay longer than a couple of months, why put energy in connecting with you and disconnect again?
• Especially the Dutch can be more than average rude, clear (direct) and very individualistic, I knew and noticed. It is a stereotype, but unfortunately it is true in my experience. In my own opinion connections and life is always changing, and I always think about the reason why people cross my path, or better said why we cross each other's paths.
• I am a person who likes to talk about things that people have on their mind, their psychology and what moves them, so small talk is a little less suitable to me and makes it different.

What helped me to connect with new friends abroad?

• When I just arrived I made sure I had something to do. The only things was, the people who joined the same activity as I did where much younger (in their twenties) or already older (in their seventies). Oh well… I noticed my connection was stronger with the people in their seventies. The contact with the older people felt more relaxed.
• When you are doing an activity in groups, you also have to deal with the group dynamics.
• When meeting new people, I always check what the common ground is, what are your similarities? Where do you come from? What do you think is important in life? When you do an activity together, like aquajogging, it is easy, you move, and try to stay fit and healthy. So the topic to talk about is health.
• Since I went alone on my 3 month trip, beforehand I had the idea to connect with people, who know people that I know. I thought that is gives me a stronger and deeper bond with the other person and the connection will be a little more long term, with a certain vision to the future. You might meet the same person, back in your homecountry at a birthday party of the common friend.
• I noticed that I was looking for people to talk to, but why? I asked myself why over and over again? According to some of my friends, I have a certain need to have social contact (according to a few a high need). They (my loner friends) are totally fine traveling by themselves and being alone. I thought about it, I am actually also totally fine by myself. So, that is insight one. I am totally fine by myself.

What went through my mind when I was trying to make new friends?

• First of all it helped me not to compare myself with others. It seemed like everyone else found their friends and community? Why am I alone this weekend? And why do I mind, when I am totally fine by myself. Am I really totally fine by myself?
• Just staying in a new country is not comparable to “home” yet. At home, friendships grow slowly and quietly. You see the same people every week. There is so much shared context, shared history, mutual friends and routines. You do not have to explain yourself from the beginning every time you meet someone new. But when you emigrate everything is changing all the time.
• The positive side of this is that connections can form quickly because you are all new, figuring things out and open to meeting others. Shared novelty accelerates bonding. Seriously! There is research showing that experiencing new or uncertain situations together increases closeness. When you are both figuring things out, it is easier to open up. But travel also disrupts friendships just as quickly as people leave.
• Another thing that happens, which people often don't realise is that when you move countries, you temporarily lose your social identity. In your home country, you are someone’s long-time friend, someone’s colleague, someone’s neighbour, the woman who goes to the Vitality Club meetings twice a week. On a new adventrue, you are just you, without context. That can feel really free, but it can also feel totally destabilising. Humans like belonging somewhere. When we do not feel socially anchored, our nervous system can interpret that as threat. So if you feel lonely, it does not mean you are failing socially. There's a lot going on and it's totally normal to struggle a bit.

What does it say about me and my immigration proces?

• To do some (self) analyses helps and can also make it more difficult. The things that went through my mind were:
• Put energy to connect with yourself, investigate what are your own wants and needs?
• How high can my own expectations be? What is reasonable? Am I not expecting too much of myself? Did I set the bar too high?
• Main issue is not to make yourself insecure. Ask yourself: How come this situation makes me insecure? What are my thoughts and feelings?
• Believe it or not: you are worth it, and you are nice company.
• I actually started doubting myself, and wow it was a long time ago I felt that way. For me it is observe (what is happening), analyse (how come it is happening), feel (what do I feel and acknowledge the emotions) and let go (put it in place and get over it)...

What helped me most was surprisingly simple:

• Assume people are friendly, open, even when they seem busy.
• Invite people, even if it feels weird or vulnerable.
• Do things alone.
• Keep showing up.
• And find ways to make friends. Let it go naturally, do not force it.

Different circumstances, different challenges

• Sometimes making friends is easy. You arrive in a social hostel or hotel, meet others, and suddenly you have coffee together. But sometimes you are living by yourself, with your own amenities. At my age, I certainly can share an apartment, but it is not so common that others will do in my agegroup. When you are in your fifties, you are not twenty or thirty anymore, but you are also not retired yet. When you don’t have any children it is different too, because people in my agegroup do have children, so they are living and moving in different areas (around school and activities of their children). You are in a sort of age gap, but that just needs getting used to, in your own head and what you think is in other people’s head.

Find a common activity

• Try to find something to do, do what you like. Meeting others while doing what you like, and being part of a network goes more naturally. Think of a book club, a sportclub (running, hiking, aquajogging, diving), volunteering, cooking classes, language classes.

Who works at your workplace?

• Work can be onother good place to make friends. You see each other regularly, share experiences and meet each other in the common kitchen or during lunch. At the same time, it is still work that connects you, which does not always translate into friendship outside of work. Sometimes your colleagues are younger and focused on partying every night. Sometimes they are the same age and have their own families. Sometimes you will find your closest friend there. Sometimes you will not.
• If you are lucky enough to find work that aligns with your values or interests, that helps enormously. But even if you don't, work can still provide connection, even if it is just one person you click with, or simply the sense of belonging while you are sharing the same officehours and space.

How about your routine?

• I made it my routine to drink coffee at the same place around the same time. You notice at one point where the tourists have their breakfast and where the locals sit. You meet the same people most of the time at the same places, and it is easier to connect and have some small talk together. When you show up consistently, you are not introducing yourself from scratch every time. A bit of familiarity makes it easier to talk. The second conversation is easier than the first. The fifth is easier than the second. And a lot of small talk can lead to connections.

What are the apps and websites that actually helped me to make friends?

• I felt most comfortable to go back to my own known network and made a shout out (blog) asking if people know people in Curaçao, who I might want to meet, or they would like to meet me…
• Facebook groups – Search for: Host a sister and I made a post for a hang-out, Expats in …., Activities in… , Girl Gone international.
• Events and informal meet-ups are often posted there, and many of them are free.
• I revived my Couchsurfing profile (and paid to get verified).

What are my final thoughts about making new friends when you are above 50 years?

• Making friends when emigrating (or stay somewhere for 3 months) in your fifties in Curacao is different from making friends at home or when you are younger. It can be faster, more intense, but also more difficult and temporary. Actually it is best to not think of your age too much, or embrace and live it.
• Travel speeds up and intensifies the whole experience of making friends. Everything, including relationships, jump to the next level much quicker than in a home environment. It requires effort and energy. It requires showing up when you would rather stay in. It requires inviting someone for coffee and risking a polite no. It requires going to events alone and trusting that something might come from it. And at the same time, it should feel natural, and not forced. So I do only what I like to do, which is also nice and fine just doing by yourself.
• Just remember, it isn't easy, but that's normal. Keep following your interests and values and you will find people aligned with that. Stay open, and friends will even find you.
• Last but not least: be friends with yourself! Love yourself and others will follow. 
• Thank you dear Hannahlow, You inspired me (and others) by your honest blog and I used some parts of your blog and made it mine…