Summary of Intimate Relationships by Miller - 9th edition - Exclusive

What have been the different perspectives on love throughout history?

Different societies throughout history have had very different perspetives on love. Only very recently has love been associated with marriage. Our perspectives on love have variated a lot in four different dimensions throughout history which are cultural value, sexuality, sexual orientation and marital status. 

• In terms of cultural value, there have been different perspectives throughout history on whether love is a desirable or proper undesirable state to be in.
• In addition, there have been many different perspectives throughout history on whether love is sexual or non-sexual.
• Love has also differed in terms of sexual orientation, whether a person has heterosexual or homosexual love relationships with others.
• Finally, there have been many perspectives on the idea that love should be monogamous or polyamorous.

What diferent types of love do we distinguish?

The triangular theory of love distinguishes intimacy, passion and commitment as the three components of a relationship. Different combinations of these three factors lead to eight different possibilities of types of relationships like non love, like love, frenzied love, empty love, romantic love, companion love, foolish love and consuming love.

• Non-love is characterized by low levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
• Liking is characterized by low values of passion and devotion, but a high value of intimacy.
• Exuberance is characterized by a lot of passion but little intimacy and devotion.
• Empty love is characterized by much devotion but little passion and intimacy.
• Romantic love is characterized by much intimacy and passion but little devotion.
• Comrade love is characterized by much intimacy and devotion but little passion.
• Foolish love is characterized by much passion and devotion but little intimacy.
• Consummate love has a lot of intimacy, passion, and devotion.

Passion increases when a person becomes excited for a particular reason. Intimacy and passion combine to form a romantic love relationship. It is characterized by idealized images and evaluations of our partner. The effects of arousal on attraction do not depend on the type of arousal like negative, positive or neutral arousal. The two-factor theory of passionate love states that our thoughts and beliefs are responsible for arousal. Love makes us blind. People underestimate or ignore their partner's faults and often have idealized ideas about him or her. Romantic love makes it easier to put potential alternative partners out of our minds. Our thoughts about ourselves also change the moment we fall in love. Aron and Tomlinson's (2019) self-expansion model states that love causes our self-concepts to grow and change in the moment our partner brings us new experiences and roles in life. Over time, we learn things about ourselves in a relationship. 

Commitment and intimacy combine to form a companion love, a deep friendship with someone with whom our life has become intertwined. Happy marriage partners often describe being each other's best friends. Comrade love has a physiological basis that differs from the basis of a romantic love. Experiencing romantic and passionate love stimulates the production of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which causes the reward and pleasure centers of the brain to be stimulated. Comrade love stimulates the production of oxytocin, a neuropeptide that makes us feel relaxed and stress disappears. In a close and comfortable relationship, oxytocin promotes feelings of well-being. People with higher levels of oxytocin in their blood are warmer and nicer when discussing sensitive topics with their partner, and are also generally more satisfied with their marriage. 

Compassionate love combines intimacy and a selfless concern for the other. Compassionate love fosters a friendship. People who experience compassionate love share the pain and joy of their loved ones. The kind and generous behaviors shown by people in compassionate love are conducive to the relationship. Compassionate love is highly correlated with romantic love and companion love, yet there are differences. Romantic love, for example, is blind, compassionate love is more rooted in an accurate understanding of your partner's strengths and weaknesses, while still loving the other person just as much. 

We distinguish six kinds of love experiences that are correlated with different love relationships like eros, ludus, storge, mania, agape, and pragma.

• Eros refers to an erotic love in which we have an intense and passionate relationship.
• Ludus refers to love that we see as a game where we are the players.
• Storge is a type of love that revolves around friendship that grows over time into an increasingly strong commitment.
• Mania is a type of love that is demanding, possessive and irritable.
• Agape is an altruistic and dutiful type of love.
• Pragma is a practical, caring and logical search for a partner. 

What are the individual and cultural differences in love?

Love is often very much the same worldwide and is experienced in a similar way. Nevertheless, there are cultural differences. Americans, for example, tend to focus more on the similarities between them and their partner and their partner's appearance. In Chinese culture, the focus is more on personality, beliefs, and their personal physical arousal when talking about their partner. Romantic fantasies are more a topic of conversation in America. 

In addition, there are individual differences in love. People who were securely attached to their primarial caregiver enjoy stronger experiences of romantic, compassionate, and companion love. People "thaw out" as they age and experience less and less intense love over time. Men and women are the same in most things when it comes to love. However, women are more likely to choose their lovers very selectively and they are also less likely to fall in love than men. Women are also more cautious than men when it comes to love. They are less likely to feel passion and affection towards their partner. Men value passion more in a relationship than women do.

Can love last forever?

In most, but not all cases, romantic love declines after people marry. In fact, in some cases this happens very quickly. Romance and passion are about fantasy, novelty and excitement, and each of these factors diminishes the longer you know someone. The Coolidge effect takes place when novelty creates sexual arousal. Comrade love is very satisfying and in many cases more stable than romantic love. When lovers are also good friends and work to combat boredom in their relationship, they increase their chances of a long-term, happy relationship.